When I left high school, I thought I’d never have to write an essay again. Turns out I was wrong. This year I’ve been studying an Advanced Diploma of Conveyancing at Dr Brion’s Academy of All Things Scientific and Stuff, and I’ve been asked to write an essay about what I’ve learned so far in the course. It’s not even an assignment! My professor (the illustrious Dr N. Brion himself) offered to give me extra credit if I get this essay on his desk by Monday. Apparently it will really help the academy get some grant money from the government, by proving that their courses teach real skills.
The thing is… they don’t. That’s kind of the academy’s point. It’s for slackers who want a degree without all the hard work, like me. There’s definitely more emphasis on ‘stuff’ than on ‘all things scientific’. Point is, I haven’t learned a thing about conveyancing these past few months. Now, I don’t want
to let Dr Brion down or anything, so I’ll try my best, but I effectively have to study a real diploma of conveyancing in a single weekend, just so I can write the essay.
I didn’t sign up for this, but Dr Brion has been so great to us in our classes. We usually just watch movies, which is awesome. If I don’t get this essay done and the academy loses funding, movie lectures will be over. Besides, he gave me an ‘A’ for my presentation on why The Mosquito is the best episode of Fixing Good, so I kind of owe him one. I’ll spend the next day or two researching how to do property transfers around Melbourne and the finer details of section 32 statements, then get writing about it all.
It may not seem like it, but I was actually a pretty good essay writer in high school. Once, when we were studying Romero and Julia, I argued that Friar Laura actually wanted the two teenagers to get married and die, as part of an occult sacrifice to her dark god. With all the evidence from the text I used, I managed to get a D on that essay. I consider that to be pretty good, given the absurdity of my claim. I’ve definitely got this conveyancing essay in the bag.